"Jesus, if the journey is the destination, then why is the journey so hard?" is what I asked him today. Such a stable goal, to know the unchanging one, should be easier than getting to know a stranger in line at the store, yet I am so afraid of what lies ahead.
If life were like my earliest memories of Sunday school, I would have all the right answers. I go to church, I love God, and I've known Him a long time. I've been a missionary and a minister and a theological student. That's all well and good, but I have never been satisfied with what I know. I feel such a deep longing for more intimate knowledge. And somewhere in Proverbs (or is it Ecclesiastes? I'm too pooped to find out.), Solomon says "He who increases knowledge increases sorrow." Why? I mean that seems pretty counter-intuitive that God would make us to desire to know Him, and then turn around and smack us with sorrow for the efforts of our pursuit.
I think its sort of like watching the evening news. We all know, in a general sense, the real and terrible things happen around us on a daily basis. But, when I turn on the news, I'm innundated with a concentrated list of all the terrible tiddings of the day, reduced to their most horrific details (so they'll fit in that 10-second block each tragedy gets). What was general and distant is now close and personal. Similarly, the closer I get to God, the more aware I am of my own spiritual poverty. The more I search for healing, the more aware I am of brokeness. The more emotional stability I seek, the more I see the emotional needs of others. So what is the answer to my sorrow?
I don't really know, but I know that God has made my heart more patient and gracious, more accountable and disciplined...and this turned outward toward others. The Prayer of Saint Francis doesn't answer the question, but it reminds me of what to do. And I have discovered that somehow loving others eases my experience. Let's live this life:
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon:
where there is doubt, faith ;
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.
I've been searching for answers, but there only seem to be more questions. Maybe that's the answer...to keep searching.
